


Fighting is tough, feelings are tougher

by RobinMediocreFellow



Series: Brofriends [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Demisexual Jason Grace, Fighting, Idk how to cope so heres this, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Male Character, Trans Percy Jackson, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 18:10:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinMediocreFellow/pseuds/RobinMediocreFellow
Summary: Feelings are hard when you and your boyfriend are both traumatized





	Fighting is tough, feelings are tougher

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I had a bad day and some time of my hands. Enjoy!

They are fighting. They´re fighting and they´re yelling and screaming and Jason doesn't even know about what. There isn’t even particular reason, just worked up energy unloading. And it's unloading alright. A storm is raging outside, all their lights are flickering. And Jason is pretty sure the neighbors' pipes just exploded. Thanks, Perce!  
“I swear by my father's trident, if you ever leave your socks in the bathroom again-“ Percy screams and slams a fist down on the kitchen counter. A water bottle explodes, drenching a stack of paper.  
“Percy!“ Jason yells and runs over to save them. It's useless, they're fucked. At least it's just worksheets. “Those were for work, for fuck's sake!“ Percy does look a little apologetic, but he's obviously too worked up to care. “And why the hell does this girl keep calling you? Anna? What the fuck does she want?“ Jason shouts. He balls his fists and lighting crackles across the sky outside. He doesn't care about Anna or whatever the fuck she's called, he just needs a reason to yell. And yell he does. He screams at Percy, doesn't even know what he's saying and Percy screams back. Light bulbs flicker and burst. The faucet explodes, spraying everywhere. With a flick of his wrist, Percy makes the water stop. He's still dry. Jason's drenched. Fucking showoff. “You can clean that up by yourself!“ He yells. The wiring in the microwave is fucked now. So what. He didn't ask for those powers! He didn't ask to be demigod, he didn't ask for all this responsibility, the quests, the war! Why him? Why them? Why Percy? He slams his hands on the counter. Tears are running down his face, tears of anger, frustration. “Clean something up for fucking once!“ He yells, a sob interrupts him. Percy looks a little concerned. Jason doesn't like that. No time for worry. Anger. They're angry. They are.  
“I'll clean something up“, Percy says dangerously calm, the concern left only faintly in his eyes. “When you stop snoring“  
Jason scoffs. He doesn't fucking snore! Liar!   
He throws a glass at Percy, missing on purpose. Percy ducks anyway - reflexes. He screams some profanity, reaches into his pocket and suddenly, Riptide embeds itself in the coffee table behind Jason, just inches from his thigh. Jason freezes. He did not - did he just? He did. “What the fuck, Percy?“ This is against their rules. No weapons. No weapons and nothing personal, that's the rules. And he just broke them. He's never done that before, neither of them did.  
Jason stares at his boyfriend in shock, tears slowly stopping. There's a fire in Percy's eyes, something he hasn't seen in a long time. Not since the war. Percy doesn't look like Percy. “Perce“, Jason whispers. Riptide's blade nicks his thigh, but Jason barely notices, as he walks over to Percy and lays a hand on his cheek. Percy trembles. The faucet starts spraying again. “Percy“, Jason mouths. They stare at each other.   
The fire is gone from Percy's eyes. They're full of self-loathing.  
“I love you“, he says out of the blue.  
Jason grabs him by the face and kisses him roughly. Then he turns around and punches the wall. He's too worked up to be gentle right now. Or logical. They do things to him, those magic three words. They seldom ever say it. Not because it's not true, quite the opposite, actually. It's just that there's a certain weight to it. To I love you. They never actually thought they'd fall in love. They moved in together so they wouldn't be alone at night after their breakups. After the war. It just happened. Neither of them regret anything about it. But embracing it is hard. They've both lost so much. Feelings are hard to manage when you're traumatized. It took them ages just to actually call each other boyfriends. They float in between, between friends and boyfriends. Yes, they're madly in love. Definitely. But they have trouble dealing with it. Dealing with anything, sometimes. Anger helps them release the chaos inside them. So, they fight. Fought. It's over now. No anger left to release.   
“I love you“, Jason whispers. He holds out his arms and Percy melts into them, his fingers digging into Jason's back, his breath hot through his shirt. His entire body is trembling. “Shhh“, Jason whispers. He wraps his arms around him tighter.   
Percy lets out a dry sob.  
“You scared me“, Jason mumbles when they're laying in bed later that night. Percy is hugging him from behind, his fingers drumming against Jason's sternum. Tap, tap, tap.  
“I'm sorry“, Percy whispers. The drumming becomes quicker. Ta-tap, ta-tap, ta-tap.   
“You broke the rules“, Jason mumbles and lays his hand over Percy's. His fingers are cold.  
“I know“, Percy pulls his hand away. He rolls over, his back brushing against Jason's. Jason rolls over, too, messing with the covers a little to give Percy a second in case he doesn't want cuddles. Which would be new. But so is breaking the rules. Percy doesn't object in any way, so Jason wraps his arm around his waist. Percy shuffles closer.  
“Are you mad?“ He whispers. His voice is thick with tears.  
“No“, Jason mumbles and kisses his shoulder. “No, not at all. I'm worried about you, that's all“  
“No, don't do that“, Percy mumbles. He shifts and turns until his face is buried in Jason's chest.  
“Do what?“ Jason tries to blow away the mob of hair tickling his face, but it's no use. He feels Percy take a deep breath, his exhale hot against Jason´s chest.   
“I don't like it when you worry. Or anyone else. If you care enough to worry, you're going to hurt when I die. And I don't want that for you“  
Jason swallows. That was dark. He blinks away a few tears and wraps his arms tighter around Percy, burying his face in his hair. Percy didn't ask for all this. He didn't ask to be thrown into fucking Tartarus, he didn't ask to be broken. But he is. And Jason can't change it. He can't fucking fix Percy even if Percy let him. He can only stay by his side and try to... just try. He doesn't even know what. He just knows he loves Percy. “I'm going to worry as much as I damn well please, thank you very much“, he whispers into Percy's hair.  
Percy laughs a little. And then he cries. He sobs into Jason's chest, heartbreaking, wet sobs. Jason cries with him, but quietly. That's a difference between them. Jason cries during fights, after, when he needs to. He cries quietly and never much. Percy doesn't cry unless he breaks down. Usually after fights, when all the other emotions hit.  
“You're okay“, Jason whispers, his voice choked. “You're okay“  
“I'm not“, Percy sobs, his hands clawing at Jason's shirt. “I'm really fucking not“  
“But that's okay“, Jason insists, hugging Percy so tight he winces. “That's okay“  
They clean up the next day, after work. That's their little routine. Fight, cry, clean up. Talk if they need to. They're not big on talking. A lot of things can't be expressed with words. The outcome of last night is pretty gruesome. It's a good thing neither of them can repair anything. At all.  
“We're going to have to need to get one of the Hephaestus kids from camp“, Percy says from the corner of their apartment that is the kitchen. “Faucet's fucked again“  
“I don't think Chiron just lets us borrow campers to fix our sink“, Jason replies. He drops to the ground again. He's been using his flying to check the lights, all of which are ruined.  
“We have won two wars for them, they better come fix the damn sink“, Percy kicks the trash can. The clanging makes Jason's ears ring. “Sorry“, Percy whispers and puts it back in its place.  
Jason turns his back to him, crouches down and runs a finger over the notch in the coffee table. His other hand rests on the cut on his thigh, a sharp pain underneath the warmth of his palm. Percy really scared him last night. And just now, with his little outburst. Objectively, he understands what's going on. There's darkness inside them, a lot of it. There's more in Percy than in anyone else. It needs to be felt. Needs to be released sometimes. Fighting is their coping mechanism. But they have rules for a reason. And Percy broke them. He hurt Jason.   
And Jason knows they don't really talk about things, but this needs to be talked about.  
“Percy“, he says a little louder than he intended to. “Can we talk?“ He strains his neck to look at his boyfriend.  
Percy turns to him. “Sure“, he says casually but Jason sees him swallow dryly.  
“Relax. I'm not leaving you”, Jason assures him and heavily plops down on the couch. It squeaks loudly. Their furniture is shit. No wonder, since they keep breaking it. Percy sits in the armchair opposite of him. He manages a smile.  
“What was going on with you last night?“ Jason asks.  
Percy shrugs, staring at his knees. “What do you mean?“ He's acting dumb. Percy doesn't like talking, especially not about this kind of thing.  
Jason sighs. He leans forward and runs his finger over the nick in the table again. They didn't pull Riptide out, it just returned to Percy's pocket sometime last night. “Perce. You know what I'm talking about. You never broke the rules before“  
Percy picks at a blister on his palm. “I don't know what happened“, he admits quietly. “I... I lost control. I didn't even know what happened until it was over” He looks up at Jason with dull eyes. “I´m sorry”  
“I know” Jason presses his palm to the cut on his leg. It hurts. Not too much, but it hurts. Emotionally more than physically.   
Percy's eyes widen. “Jay-“  
Jason immediately drops his hand. “No, no, it's nothing-“  
But Percy is already at his side. He firmly places a hand on the spot and when Jason winces, his face turns white. Within seconds, the starts undoing Jason's jeans, slapping his hands away when he tried to stop him. “No, Jay, no, I - I need to know-“ And then the pants are off and the cut is there. It's deep. It's red. It's still red. “Oh gods“, Percy whispers. “I did that, didn't I?“  
“No-“, Jason tries but Percy looks him in the eyes. “I cut myself on Riptide, that's all“  
“You're hurt because I broke the rules“, Percy whispers and traces a finger over the cut, smearing the blood a little. Jason tries not to wince. Percy swallows.  
“It's okay“, Jason whispers but Percy shakes his head.  
“It's not“, he says firmly. “It's not“ He swallows and takes Jason's hand into his. His fingers are cold and sweaty. Jason smiles, he doesn't return it. “You wanted to know what was wrong“, he begins. “This week is an anniversary. Five years since Tartarus“ Oh gods. Jason opens his mouth but Percy shakes his head. He shuts it again. “I've been having nightmares all week. There's so much... darkness inside me, I just... I can't deal with it sometimes“  
He looks at his lap. Jason looks at him. His boyfriend. The love of his damn life. “Why didn't you say anything?“ He already knows why.  
“I don't want you to worry“, he mumbles. “I thought I could get through on my own... guess I can't“ Jason has to swallow his tears. He leans forward and presses a kiss to Percy's forehead. Percy manages a smile. Finally. “Do you-“ he asks. “Do you still trust me?“  
Jason doesn't even have to think. “Yes. Completely“  
Percy cracks a smile. He even chuckles a little. And then he's full on laughing, falling against Jason's chest and laughing and Jason is laughing with him. They are just two guys that are in love. Sometimes, they can be. Those moments, they cherish.  
It's been a rough few weeks, Jason can't deny it. There has been an increase in monster attacks in their daily life, leaving them both bruised and fatigued all the time. The school year is coming to an end, leaving Jason with a lot of work. And Percy – ever since their escalated fight a month ago, Percy has been... distant. Cold, almost. He doesn't joke around as much, his sleep is restless. He isn't as affectionate anymore and he doesn't even react to Babe. Jason would be lying if he said it doesn't worry him. Because it does. A lot. He has been trying not to push on it because Percy needs his space and because Jason knows he's crazy and always worries too much and they don't really do talking, not about those kind of things. Tartarus, the war, feelings that don't concern their relationship. They don't talk about feelings unless they have to.   
Feelings are hard. Survival is a priority most of the time.  
But then Jason comes home from work all bloody and with one sleeve of his jacket missing and he feels like hell and Percy doesn't even look up from whatever the fuck he's doing on his phone and Jason is done. He's just done. He kicks his boots into one corner, throws his jacket in another and stomps over to Percy, grabbing him by the shoulder. Percy looks up and it takes a second for the shock to reach his face.  
“Jay“, he stands up from his armchair. “Gods, what happened?“  
“Empousa on the subway“, Jason replies flatly. “I texted you“  
“I'm sorry, I-“, Percy tries, “I didn't read it yet“  
“I can tell“, Jason hisses. Without breaking eye contact, he empties his pockets on the coffee table; wallet, keys, phone and his gold coin. Then he turns around and leaves the room, flinging the door shut with a gust of air. It's forceful enough to knock a framed photograph off the wall. Jason groans loudly. Fucking hell. He kicks the bed in frustration, then climbs out the window onto the fire escape.  
He doesn't want to cry again. Jason has always been an angry crier. And he's definitely been angry recently. Not exactly at Percy, more like at everything. Their life is a shitshow and there's nothing either of them can actually do about it. Jason rips the ivy off the brick wall and throws it off the balcony. His entire body hurts but he couldn't care less. Shit, why can't they ever have a fucking break? It's not fair, it's not fucking fair.  
He hears the bedroom door open. Percy. Jason wishes he would come over to him, climb out here and sit with him, hold him close and just sit with him. But Percy doesn't. Jason glances over his shoulder and watches him disappear into the bathroom. He closes the door but doesn't lock it. Seconds later, Jason hears him turn on the shower. He sits there for a few more minutes, throwing ivy leaves and making them twirl in the wind. The shower is still running. A little unusual. Percy isn't one for long showers, he always says that the chalky water from the pipes makes him cringe. Sighing, Jason climbs back inside.  
“Perce?“ He gently closes the window. No answer from the bathroom. Okay, something is wrong. “Percy?“ He calls again as he walks the short way to the bathroom. “Percy!“   
Percy is sitting in the shower, still wearing his underwear. He's hugging his knees to his chest, his head tilted backwards, face all scrunched up, eyes closed. Jason almost trips over his pile of clothes when he runs over to him. The water is cold, but he knows better than to turn it off; it's Percy's power source. “Perce“, he whispers and lays a hand on his arm. Percy is trembling. And, more importantly, he's soaking wet.  
Percy opens his eyes a little. “Jason?“  
Jason crawls into the shower with him, kneeling in front of him, his thighs on either side of Percy's feet, the toes an unhealthy blue. Jay´s back hits the wall behind him. He lays a hand on Percy's cheek and Percy leans into his touch, something he hasn't done in a long time. Then his eyes fly open and he flinches away, looking almost scared. “Hey, babe, hey“, Jason mumbles. “What's going on with you?“ Percy lets out a noise that sounds suspiciously like a sob. He reaches out and takes Jason's hand, pressing his cold lips to it and then just holding it to his chest. Jason can feel his heart racing. “Percy, please“, Jason whispers. “Tell me what's wrong“ And then again. “Please“ Percy shakes his head. Jason sighs and settles next to him, their sides pressed closely together. He pushes his glasses up to his forehead. Percy slowly reaches for his hand. He laces their fingers together, rests his head on Jason's shoulder. They sit in silence, both soaking wet. Jason is glad for Percy's body warmth.  
“Do you love me?“ Percy asks into the dripping silence.  
“What?“ Jason blinks in surprise. “Percy, of course I love you“ He shifts a little so he can look at his boyfreind. But Percy is just staring at his knees. Jason wraps an arm around him, ignoring that it hurts his shoulder. “Percy, I love you so much“, he whispers and presses a kiss to his tremble. Percy lets out a huff of air, so he's either grinning or scoffing. Jason tries not to be angry. Is Percy accusing him of anything? Did Jason mess up and he just isn't telling him about it? What the fuck is his problem? “Percy, I've loved you ever since-“  
“I- I know“, Percy interrupts him. “I know, you've loved me ever since that night in my cabin, I know“ He presses closer against Jason, sniffing. “But I'm not that me anymore. I-“, he chokes on his words and Jason pulls him closer. “I changed, so much... Jay, I'm not myself anymore“  
“I know“, Jason says after a moment. His voice is surprisingly firm. “I watched you change, Perce“ His other hand reaches for Percy's, holding it. “I was there. And I still love you, okay?“ Percy says nothing, he just sniffles. “Percy. I love you, okay?“, Jason repeats.  
Percy nods slowly. He turns his head even slower and presses a small kiss to Jason's lips. Jason smiles.  
“We both changed a lot“, he says when they are drying themselves off later.  
“I guess trauma does that to you“, Percy mumbles. He seems more awake, water and talking has helped. His eyes are almost lively as he stares at himself in the mirror. Jason steps behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on Percy's shoulder.  
“Sometimes I don't even recognize myself“, he mumbles.   
Percy nods. “Same. But I always recognize you. Even your dark parts“, his voice dies down to a hoarse whisper.  
“Yeah“, Jason kisses his cheek. “I'm so glad I have you“  
Percy smiles. “I love you“  
“I love you too. No matter what“


End file.
